He would try to control the situation by taking my son.

It was summer 2009. I was in college working too.

We were fighting. I slept on the couch, with an machete.

Orlando was dead.  He kicked me out because I wasn’t doing what he wanted.

I moved to my mothers house. Hated asking for a ride because they acted like it was a burden helping me get to work and school. So I walked to the bus stop as much as I could.

He took Rushaud to New York. I cried.  Then I moved to New York. We lived upstate for a while. On a main street across from the park. We were doing well individually and I started going back to school again.

Back then I wished he loved me. I loved him.

It hurt, still hurts.

I watched TV too much he broke the TV.

The bed.

Riped my book.

My Hair.

Scaling the flood to look through my phone.

I was tired. I wanted it to stop.

One day I cocked the gun and I put it back in the closet. Holding my breath for the next confrontation.  The time came I pulled out the gun, but I didn’t pull the trigger. He took it and put it to his head in his mouth. It just got worse. We had our happy moments but it was still short lived. 10 years out of my 28 years of pain.

He was taking his pain out on me.

He was looking for what society said that a black women should be.

A concubine.

I’ve learned now that you can’t fix anyone. You can’t make them love you. You can’t make them happy. You can only be the example of the moral character you want to attract in your life.

 

 

 

We use to want to be like them.

Dress

Hair

Skin

Now they want to be like us.

The outsider

On the inside.

What we had in the dark you took and made it your own.

You can take what I have now

Just as long as I come out with it first.

Have you every heard of Karma?  Well it’s whatever you put out into the world (for some the universe ) that’s what will come back to you.  It can be positive, negative or indifferent. It will come back. I’m not telling you that I’m some deeply religious person. I’m not. All I know is that’s what I believe.  And I’m not saying Karma is swift either. Most of the time it doesn’t happen like that.

What’s the point?

No point.

Just letting you know little bit more about me.

How do you know Karma is real?

Because I know it’s real and you betta believe me. Lol!!!!! no.

I know from observation.

I know from experience.

I see people do and say things that come back to them.

What goes around comes around.  I’m not going to tell you the negative. I want to tell you about the positive. When I first came to Alabama I was sad very sad. Sadder then I every thought I would ever be.  I cried a lot and that sadness turned into resentment sometimes anger and fear.  I was with someone that took me for granted, lied to me and hurt me deeper than I every could have imagined.  I felt lost and for a little bit I kept on attracting people like him.  One day I was watching a Horoscope video on Youtube and the lady asked “What are you attracting?”  And start to look within. Am I attracting these people?  And what do I really want in my life? Even my thoughts. Do I condemn people for their small mindedness or do I wish them well? The answer is I rather leave in peace whatever the situation because  karma and the thoughts you cultivated  will attack that which you deeply desire.

According to

http://www.whitehouse.gov 

for every dollar a man makes

a women make .78 cents.

Your not shocked anymore.

This is common knowledge.

Its not shocking until it happens to you.

It doesn’t resonate until you feel what its like.

I tried to look past it.

But I understand know.

I feel the anger.

The injustice.

Have you… ever bleed for something.

Loyalty

Blind trust

Given all that you could have ever given. Just to turn around and give even more then they thought you were capable of.

Your tough

strong

Dependable

Compliant

However no one remembers all the good you have done.

So I’ll tell you the patter that keeps on occurring in my life.

I work the fuck hard.

I am a beautiful Queen inside and out.

And it always come to a certain point when its not very many men.

Women

Women at the top perpetuate the fuck up systems of dehumanizing the very womb that brought life to there finite existent on this Earth.

They try to beat you into financial submission.

Spoon feed you alternative facts.

Wag the carrot.

But they don’t know.

I juice  carrots

apples

beets and celery.

It becomes exhaustive to the spirit when society is trying to condition you to seek all of your wants and needs in another.

But I recognize it now.

Respect

You ain’t runnin no pimp game on me.

Matthew 5

 

 

Keep dat fire den

I’ve had sex with men

But society says to keep

that secret.

Love

What is love anymore

but he still wants more

and you give him some more

and he asks for some more

you give him some more

and he calls you a whore

and den beat on you more

and he says you have no core

you give him the core

and he treats you like shit.

You take the shit and

bake a cake.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Still sippin wine.

 

 

Never let the things

in life distract  you

from getting what you

want out of life.

 

Never let things

material things take

president over

priorities.

 

I see it so often

I wonder have they

given up on life

given up on purpose

given up

I DONT want you to give up.

 

 

 

 

I live

But I hide

I thought it was being humble

meek.

Trying to hid behind an innocent smile.

I use to be a Dj.

And it comes to a certain point when you can blend a beat so well that the songs melt together like butter.

Effortless.

Its only when I try to blend in with society that the shit hits the fan.

Sometimes you have to stoop down

to peoples level

to show them

what level you’re at.

 

I give you this website so that we can create infinity possibilities.

Being one gives me access to the knowing of everything.

Now I know my destiny.

Duality

Righteous Indignation

Ponder

  Wonder

 

Forgiveness

Stillness

 

Nature

Nurture