It was a cold day. Windy. I had my long coat on with several layers on. It still didn’t stop me from shivering. I hate this coat because the pockets were all wrong. They are in front of the coat instead of on the sides, which made me look weird when I stuck my hands in for warmth. There I was on Linden Blvd. standing by the CVS. In the freezing cold.

Waiting

Thinking

Praying

I held back the tears

Where was Kerry?

I called her a long time ago.

I prayed for strength.

I thought about going back. Going back to what I’ve known for the past 10 years. Thinking of all the what ifs. I stayed rooted on that corner. Not able to move sometimes stuck in time. Linden Blvd. was my rebirth, but to be reborn you have to start as a seed. Like everything seeds just don’t exist. They are created, from dust. Particles gathered together to create life.

The hardest day I ever lived was when I decided to let you go.

To know the now you must know before to understand and settle the score.

The Years Before

My son was(is) always the pone. M tried to play puppet master. I had to hid the birth control, so he wouldn’t flush them down the toilet. I put a wig on so he wouldn’t ripe my hair out. He took my phone, the keys, my passport and tried to take my money. Anything to keep me with him. He wore me down to rape me and then turned around and told everyone it was me.

The picture above is of a day that changed me. It was a sad day but I was so happy. I made myself happy. He knew I was going to this concert. He knew I spent money. He knew I didn’t care. On this day he took my son and I said ok. I was tired of being unhappy. I was tired of being beat on and then he was expecting me to be happy.  I burnt my leg, but I didn’t care. I went anyways. I was not going to let him drag me down into his controlling abuse. I let it go and I had the greatest night of my life. I got home and I was alone. He would call and cry on the phone. Until he realized I was not budging and then he ran back to me. It mad him mad that he couldn’t control me so he took a hanger and beat me and then he told me he loved me.

2014 =7

7/11

The day I changed. 07/11/2014

I pulled away 06/05/2018  11:11

The more I pulled away the more he argued and beat me. The more he would race home to be mad at me and take it out on me. Then command that I be happy. So dark so sad his energy. I didn’t say anything and I do not care what people think about me. I felt like I was going to die. I didn’t want to die. I waited on the corner of Linden Blvd. Waited for Kerry to come get me to take me to the Police Station.

I told the Police what you did to me and when they picked you up you acted like you didn’t know anything. You packed my things and you put Rushaud asleep. You Put the knife on the bed and you waited for me.

So I left and as I was leaving. I found my Birth certificate, my ID, diplomas, Passports and all kinds of personal documents of yours and mine. I took mine and left yours behind. But you still keep on hunting me down. So this time I left something to slow you down.