You see…

When you don’t listen.

When you don’t see the signs.

The signs get bigger.

I’ve always  been seen as the person that would go to college. Get a degree. Be a successful desk rider. Get married. Have 2.5 children and get a Golden Retriever named Buttacup. (LMFAOBN that shit sounds real nice now tho.)

It was just never meant for me to have theses things.

It was never meant for me to play tennis.

It was never meant for me to be with my son’s father.

It was never meant for me to be like everyone else.

To be perfect.

To look perfect.

(Smh)

I feel like I’m on the hero’s journey, all the steps. And yeah, sometimes I think I’m a workaholic that works 50hrs week and can still write a blog post; just to escape the now. Because I’ve forgiven and come to terms with my history. The now is sad when your abundant Ex can cry because he has a Two hundreds and fifty thousand dollar home with Bea’Quisha and her Four Bebe’s there. Meanwhile, I live in a one bed apartment. The shit is fucked up. Like really you abused me just to pick up that, but it’s ok. Because all a can do is smile. Because I know there is something a trillion times better then that. Then this.

Life and people become comical. You can see there role in the lesson you’re supposed to learn. You can play. Or repeat.

Sometimes…

I think …

What I lack in material and marital status; I make up for in spiritual abundance and mental strength.

 

I’m strong.

I allow myself to think that the hurtful words that people say to me and about me do not impact me.

On a conscious level I don’t care. Why should I?

But I’ve learned that words are power.

Words about you can make people seem powerful.

By ignoring words I’ve been ignoring myself.

Rising above everything, even myself.

I think that mental abuse is strong.

It destroys the sub-conscious and creates fear and anxiety when its broken.

I’ve learned that its ok to be direct on what you want people to say about you.

It almost feels like I’ve been subjecting myself to a barge of mental abuse. ( Big Sigh lol)

 

I’m your robot

I do my best

Almost better then the less

People hate me because I’m direct.

People love me because I can connect.

You do your best to be the best

But they accuse you of trying to be better then rest…..(Confuse face)

See we lived in the same house.

Two worlds apart.

First to finish and last to start.

We live in the world.

We live apart.

One will stop living and one will start.

Don’t throw no

Shots at

the DEA

Just take my shots

at the NRA

All I want is you

to say

my name

If you see me

walkin I’m

take the

blame

Don’t cover my face

Cuz I can take the

Shame

All I want is for you

to say my name

All these Niggas

gonna say my

name

All these bitches

gonna change the

game

All I want is you to say my name.

 

The Greatest crime.

Is not knowing your potential for greatness.

Don’t we all just seek understanding and with this understanding we find purpose.

Harmony and peace.

I miss that world….

No food

No money

We fought

We learned

Now we know.

Being me what have I learned?

I’ve learned…..

People will push as far as you let them.

Your intention is everything.

I’m not tough you’re just extremely weak.

Learn to love your enemy or at least wish them love.

Learn to say NO.

Slow down.

Enjoy life.

and  above all

Do what you love.

Today I learned…..

that

Everybody’s stress

threshold

is NOT

as

High as mine. 

 

Sometimes I think.

I want to end it all just to start over.

Do better.

But I know I can make it better now.